Change.
They say change is inevitable and that the members of a species that are good at coping with it do well.
Great, so how and can we get better at it?
Here is how I see it-
There are two types of change:
It happens to us- so we must adapt.
It happens because of us, because we had agency.
Either way what we need is the ability to allow change to happen through us.
What does that even mean?
Resisting change is what hurts. it’s the bit before you wee that stings right? So why do we resits that change that hurts us.
People grow old, children leave, love comes and goes.. the pain is in the resistance to the change.
This is because changing is inevitable but for some reason we think changing isn’t.
And why is this?
Well because change, to our old parts of our brains, is unsafe, unpredictable, uncertain, requires energy, focus.. it’s risky. So when change is on the horizon we perceive it as risky and therefore believe we are closer to death because of all this.
To change we have to be ok with it being not ok.
It might not work out, we might fall, it might hurt, we might die… that’s often a big ask, to step forward even when you don’t know if it will be better.
To make change happen for you, you have to have these things present-
A good reason- it has to be bigger than not changing.
A direction- you only need a compass not a full map.
A next step- change only happens through action.
And then
Reps- first step is brave, next 1000 are dull, it’s these steps that make the change stick.
That is some Grade A coach chat right there. Follow this algorithm and bang, you’ll do the thing. Cool. But what if the change happens to you? And what if the change you created isn’t all good, all the time?
Under all this is- Am I ok with being shit at things.
Recently we moved to Canada, it was a change we wanted to make.
But the difficult moments haven’t been applying for visas or getting permissions (although admin is my nemesis) But it has been the every day threat felt in everyday moments like- driving weird cars, speaking weird languages, eating weird food.. getting stuff wrong and been seen as an outsider because of it. I go to order a drink and feel like it’s life and death. Cortisol spikes as I attempt to to pay.. Collecting my drink Im adamant I’ll get it wrong, drop it on the floor and eb asked to leave Canada. No thanks buddy. Your not one of us…
So this blog is really about why copping with change that happens to you matters-
Hard truth- Not all change will be good.
But continuing to live as a version of you in a world that no longer exists.. that’s way worse than not changing. That creates a pattern of behaviour and beliefs that will not serve you and intrench you in a reductive head space. It’s not as good as, not as safe, not as free… Nothing can grow on this soil. It’s bleak and full of negativity weeds.
Therefore-
I don’t see the aim as becoming comfortable with change. That’s not natural to our brains and to disruptive to build anything on.
So maybe it’s more-
To become confident in our ability to meet it.
The obstacle is the way, and all that.
Not- No matter what I will BE ok..
But- No matter what I AM ok.
So maybe you can start to see change as the challenge you’ve always wanted. Not to smash it, or be in control of it but to be cool with not being cool. Imagine that. Imagine- No matter what I AM ok.
That’s pretty much the work I do, supporting my clients to be ok no matter what.
More of that for me to please.